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The Screaming Moderate

The flower bulb thief strikes!

4/16/2015

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Picture
Pointed prints seem to be that of a doe. Round holes are where the bulbs used to be.
We have an alarm system on the house in case someone breaks in to steal things. It does not extend to our yard, though. Woke up yesterday morning and every – EVERY – tulip bulb that has been planted the last couple of years was gone! Did I mention EVERY one? About 15 of them. It was almost as if the Tulip Burglar waited until the lights went out and then struck, gently but precisely uprooting every bulb in a carefully planned caper. Did I mention we have a motion light on the front of the house so that if anyone or anything steps into the yard, a gazillion watts of light come on? Never saw the lights come on.

First thought, squirrels. But even with those ever-expanding cheeks, could they take EVERY bulb? In one night? Wouldn’t one fill up their little tummies? Plus, when we looked it up, squirrels may play with flower bulbs but they don’t eat them, preferring berries and such, easier for their little mouths and teeth to chew and their little throats to swallow.

We do have a lot of rabbits in the yard, (some live under the storage hut out back) so that must have been it! But every bulb? Even at the rate rabbits multiply, there couldn’t have been enough rabbits to take EVERY bulb? In one night? I looked around the yard and perimeter to see if there was a pile of formerly planted bulbs abandoned somewhere but…NO! They were all…GONE!! They were not being stored for dining later nor abandoned as the critters realized their eyes were bigger than their stomachs, as my mom used to say.

Mysterious, eh? Then our Verizon repair guy showed up (this is probably fodder for another post but, short version, our OnDemand has always stuttered and paused which makes it unwatchable and the Verizon guy -- a very nice fellow named Tom -- has been here most of three days a week the past two weeks trying to uncover the problem with the assistance of thousands, I exaggerate, on the phone helping him not discover the problem). Anyway, Tom gets on one knee a la Davy Crockett without the coon skin cap, takes a look as we are surveying the damage outside and, having done some animal tracking in his time (don’t ask), he suggests it was a 120-pound baby deer because of the pointed hoof prints in our flower/bush beds and the depth of the prints.

Based on my many hours as a youngster watching Davy Crockett track b'ars and such and other Westerns with equally qualified trackers, I think he’s probably right, but you can look at the picture above and decide for yourself. I'll wait.

I gotta say, though, it was weird at first blush to see about 15 bulbs, planted around three sides of the house – gone. Did I mention EVERY one of them is gone? Each almost surgically removed from its former resting spot.

While we can't be certain it was a doe (though our neighbor across the way reports seeing deer in her back yard lately), the good news is that yesterday Tom figured out the problem with OnDemand, which is purring like a kitten now.


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    B. Jay Cooper

    B. Jay is a former deputy White House press secretary to Presidents Reagan and George H.W. Bush. He also headed the communications offices at the Republican National Committee, U.S. Department of Commerce, and Yale University. He is a former reporter and is the retired deputy managing director of APCO Worldwide's Washington, D.C., office.
    He is the father of three daughters and grandfather of five boys and one girl. He lives in Marion, Mass.

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