It's few days before the inauguration and Donald Trump is talking over details with his chief of staff, Reince Priebus.
“Rice, how long should I talk for?” asked the president-elect.
“Sir, first, as I’ve explained before, it’s not Rice it’s pronounced just like Heinz but with an R first. Reince. Second, typically an inaugural address should go about 20 minutes, maybe 30 if it’s got a lot of important stuff to say.”
“Rinse, bubbala, if I’m the president, which I will be when I give this talk, everything I say, is important. In fact, nothing really has changed because everything I say is important when I say it but only when I say it. Because I may say the opposite later in the day. And then that’s important too.”
“Yes, sir, well, again it’s Reince, pronounced Ryns, and I understand that and I believe everything you say is important too. Always have, well at least since you won the primary, before thought I thought you were nuts. But you don’t want to overstay your welcome with the American people tuning in so I'd go no longer than 30 minutes.”
“Rianus, I can’t believe you’re telling me that. Remember, I was a reality TV star – and I should have won the Emmy that year. And I’m a billionaire many times over, a big success…big success, believe me…the American people will stay tuned in until I’m done. And then will want even more. At least the ones I care about – the people who voted for me – will stay tuned in. And the others, you know, my enemies, I really don’t give two, uh, thoughts about. There, I caught myself just like you taught me! I didn’t say two shits like I was going to!”
“Very well done, Mr. President-elect, and, one more time, it’s pronounced Reinz. "
“See, I can change, Rainbow! People think I can’t but I can be presidential. Presidents don’t use that expression, in public anyway, and I won’t either.”
“Fabulous. Sir, two things. One, we know you won't use them but we're putting Teleprompters on the podium for you. We know you won't use them but it will make you look presidential. And, second, I know it’s a few days premature but may I call you Mr. President, since it’s just the two of us?”
“Yes, Rainass, you may. And you should because since I won the election, which I won big by the way, a landslide almost as big as my…Ha .See, i stopped myself again! But since I won the election I have been running this country. I’ve saved jobs already, thousands of jobs. I stopped the House Republicans from gutting their ethics office, well, at least for now. And, I’ve had a few talks with Putty to get things ready for our first meeting. Obama, he’s just keeping the seat warm until I’m sworn in.”
“Putty, sir?”
“Vladimir Putin, Rainbutt! The guy who put me in this job, for cryin’ out loud. And that means you owe your job to him, too. And how many times do I have to tell you: If you are the president, you are presidential just like if you’re the president it’s legal for you to have conflicts of interest. I can conflict all I want and the Constitution endorses it!”
“Well, sir, that’s a debatable point so I wouldn’t be saying that too often. And, Putty, sir?”
“Rice, I’ll say what I want to say where I want to say it and when I want to say it. Always have, always will be straight with the American people!!! How else can I, and I alone can do it, make America great again?? And yes, Rainboy, Putty. That’s what I call Vladimir Putin and have for many years, many years, believe me.”
“Well, again, Mr. President, I wouldn’t say that in public because you’ve said you don’t know Putin, never met him, don’t have a relationship with him. And it’s Reinz.”
“Listen, when I said I didn’t know Putin, I didn’t know him. I never lie.”
“But, Mr. President, you just said you’ve known him for decades.”
“Yes, I have Rainman. Anything else is fake news. If I say X that’s real. And if I say Y the next day, that’s real too. And you better get this straight since you will be running the White House. Well, except for Steve, of course. Oh, and Jared. But you’re next in line. Well, if you don’t count Ivanka that is.”
“Yes, Mr. President, I understand. And you can call me whatever you want.”
“Yes, I know, Reese. By the way, should I mention the big beautiful wall first, or save it for the big finale?”
“Mr. President, I thought you gave up on the whole wall idea.”
“Yes, indeed, I have given up on it! So, should I mention it first or last?”
“Rice, how long should I talk for?” asked the president-elect.
“Sir, first, as I’ve explained before, it’s not Rice it’s pronounced just like Heinz but with an R first. Reince. Second, typically an inaugural address should go about 20 minutes, maybe 30 if it’s got a lot of important stuff to say.”
“Rinse, bubbala, if I’m the president, which I will be when I give this talk, everything I say, is important. In fact, nothing really has changed because everything I say is important when I say it but only when I say it. Because I may say the opposite later in the day. And then that’s important too.”
“Yes, sir, well, again it’s Reince, pronounced Ryns, and I understand that and I believe everything you say is important too. Always have, well at least since you won the primary, before thought I thought you were nuts. But you don’t want to overstay your welcome with the American people tuning in so I'd go no longer than 30 minutes.”
“Rianus, I can’t believe you’re telling me that. Remember, I was a reality TV star – and I should have won the Emmy that year. And I’m a billionaire many times over, a big success…big success, believe me…the American people will stay tuned in until I’m done. And then will want even more. At least the ones I care about – the people who voted for me – will stay tuned in. And the others, you know, my enemies, I really don’t give two, uh, thoughts about. There, I caught myself just like you taught me! I didn’t say two shits like I was going to!”
“Very well done, Mr. President-elect, and, one more time, it’s pronounced Reinz. "
“See, I can change, Rainbow! People think I can’t but I can be presidential. Presidents don’t use that expression, in public anyway, and I won’t either.”
“Fabulous. Sir, two things. One, we know you won't use them but we're putting Teleprompters on the podium for you. We know you won't use them but it will make you look presidential. And, second, I know it’s a few days premature but may I call you Mr. President, since it’s just the two of us?”
“Yes, Rainass, you may. And you should because since I won the election, which I won big by the way, a landslide almost as big as my…Ha .See, i stopped myself again! But since I won the election I have been running this country. I’ve saved jobs already, thousands of jobs. I stopped the House Republicans from gutting their ethics office, well, at least for now. And, I’ve had a few talks with Putty to get things ready for our first meeting. Obama, he’s just keeping the seat warm until I’m sworn in.”
“Putty, sir?”
“Vladimir Putin, Rainbutt! The guy who put me in this job, for cryin’ out loud. And that means you owe your job to him, too. And how many times do I have to tell you: If you are the president, you are presidential just like if you’re the president it’s legal for you to have conflicts of interest. I can conflict all I want and the Constitution endorses it!”
“Well, sir, that’s a debatable point so I wouldn’t be saying that too often. And, Putty, sir?”
“Rice, I’ll say what I want to say where I want to say it and when I want to say it. Always have, always will be straight with the American people!!! How else can I, and I alone can do it, make America great again?? And yes, Rainboy, Putty. That’s what I call Vladimir Putin and have for many years, many years, believe me.”
“Well, again, Mr. President, I wouldn’t say that in public because you’ve said you don’t know Putin, never met him, don’t have a relationship with him. And it’s Reinz.”
“Listen, when I said I didn’t know Putin, I didn’t know him. I never lie.”
“But, Mr. President, you just said you’ve known him for decades.”
“Yes, I have Rainman. Anything else is fake news. If I say X that’s real. And if I say Y the next day, that’s real too. And you better get this straight since you will be running the White House. Well, except for Steve, of course. Oh, and Jared. But you’re next in line. Well, if you don’t count Ivanka that is.”
“Yes, Mr. President, I understand. And you can call me whatever you want.”
“Yes, I know, Reese. By the way, should I mention the big beautiful wall first, or save it for the big finale?”
“Mr. President, I thought you gave up on the whole wall idea.”
“Yes, indeed, I have given up on it! So, should I mention it first or last?”
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